A couple discovers a sado-masochist magazine hidden in their son´s room:
Mother – “What would we do to him?“
Father – “Well, I guess there´s no use to beat him up…”
REASONS WHY DOGS ARE SUPERIORS THAN WOMEN
1 – The dogs do not cry all the time.
2 – The dogs love when we bring friends to our house.
3 – The dogs do not care if we use their shampoo.
4 – The dogs think we sing very well.
5 – The later you arrive more excited will be the dog.
6 – The dogs forgive us every time we play with other dogs.
7 – The dogs do not care if we call them by another dog name by mistake.
8 – The dogs do not think they´re funny.
9 – The dogs do not buy anything.
10 – The dogs can not use the “VISA”.
11 – Anyone can get a dog with good looks.
12 – The dogs love when we leave a bunch of things scattered by the house.
13 – The dog´s disposition remains the same throughout the month.
14 – The dogs never stop to rethink the relationship.
15 – The relatives of the dog never visit us without our permission.
16 – When a dog ages and begins to bother you can always replace him with a younger one.
17 – The dogs love the owners who drink beer.
18 – The dogs do not hate their bodies.
19 – The dogs never criticize.
20 – The dogs agree that we must shout to impose our views.
21 – You can keep a dog trapped inside the house throughout the day.
22 – The dogs do not want to know anything about other dogs that we owned before.
23 – Never have to wait for the dog. He is always ready to leave, 24 hours a day.
24 – The dogs have fun when we are drunk.
25 – The dogs can not talk.
26 – The dogs are faithful to their owners.
27 – The dogs do not speak on the phone.
28 – The dogs do not complain when you are fat.
29 – The dog, despite having good olfactory perception, never question “what is that perfume?”
WHY DO WOMEN SOME TIMES LOOK LIKE DOGS?
1 – Both can eat 500g of chocolate at once.
2 – Both realize zero about football.
3 – Both are good claiming that they are understanding every word you say.
4 – Both bark all the time.
5 – Both loose hair.
6 – Both mark their territory.
7 – Both fell asleep when we are watching our favorite action movie.
WHY ARE WOMEN BETTER THAN DOGS?
1 – It is socially acceptable to maintain sexual relations with women.
(Unfortunately this tells a lot about men LOL) 😀
In this company after a careful process of recruitment with
interviews and tests, a group of cannibals were hired to be part of the team.
– “Now you are part of a great team.” Said the Director of HR during the ceremony of welcome.
– “You will enjoy all the benefits of the company. For example, you can go to the canteen whenever you want to eat something. I only ask you not to eat the other employees, please!”
Four weeks later the boss called them:
– “You are working hard and I’m happy. But the woman which serves the coffee disappeared. Can some of you tell me what have happened?”
All cannibals denied with their heads.
After the boss leaves the Cannibal leader question the others:
– “Who was the idiot who ate the woman who served the coffee?”
One of them, timidly, raised his hand.
The leader replied:
– “You must be stupid! We are here having this tremendous opportunity in our hands. We have already ate 3 directors, 2 deputy, 5 advisors, 2 coordinators, about 3 administrators during these four weeks without anyone noticed anything. And we could still continue for a long time.
But no… You had to spoil everything and eat a person who is really needed!”
An old farmer had a beautiful lake in its huge farm. After a long time without going to the site he decided to give a general look to see if everything was still in order.
He took a bucket to bring some fruits and begun the tour around his property. When approaching the lake he heard women’s voices, lively and having fun.
Upon arriving closer he spotted a flock of young women swimming in the lake completely naked.
Photo by lusi.
He made himself noticed and all the girls fled toward the deeper water.
One of the women exclaimed:
– “We are not leaving until you go faraway!”
The old man replied:
– “I did not came here to see you swimming or leaving the lake all naked!”
And lifting the bucket he said:
– “I only came here to feed the alligators.” :O
After the testimony of a defence witness the lawyer for the prosecution says:
– “I congratulate you for your great intelligence!”
– “Thank you!” The witness said.
– “I just can´t return the kindness because I am under oath! Sorry, I hope you´ll understand…”
A math professor wanted to preach a game to their students and said:
– “Boys listen to this brain-teaser:
A plane left for Amsterdam with a speed of 800 kph, the pressure of
1.004,5 millibars, the relative humidity was 66% and the temperature of 20.4
The crew was composed of 5 persons and the plane had capacity for 45 passengers, the bathroom was busy and had 5 hosts (but one was off).
The question is…
How old am I?”
Students are haunted. The silence was complete.
Jack who was at the end of the room said without raising his hand:
– “44 years old!”
The teacher who was really surprised said:
– “Wow, it´s true. I have 44 years old. But how do you guessed?”
– “Well, I deducted it because I have a cousin who is half stupid and he has 22 years old…” 😛
FRIENDSHIP DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN.
The wife spent the night out. The next morning she explained to her husband that she had slept in her best girlfriend´s house.
Then the husband called ten of her best girlfriends. None of them confirmed her story.
The husband spent the night out. The next morning he explained to the woman that had slept in the house of his best friend.
Then the wife called ten of her husband´s best friends.
Seven of them confirmed and the other three more than confirm, they ensured that it was still there! 😀
There are only two things to worry about:
If you’re well or if you’re sick.
If you’re well,
there is nothing to worry about…
If you’re sick,
there are two things to worry about:
if you will get well
or if you will die.
If you get well,
there is nothing to worry about.
But if you die,
there are two things that can concern:
If you will go to heaven or if you will go to hell.
If you go to heaven,
there is nothing to worry about.
And if you go to hell,
you will be so busy complimenting your friends
that you should have no time to worry…
So why worry?
Indeed there is nothing to worry about!
A mechanic was disassembling the engine of a motorcycle when he saw a well known cardiologist surgeon entering in his workshop.
He was watching the mechanic at work when the mechanic stops and asks him:
– Hey doctor, can I ask you a question?
The surgeon surprised agrees and went near the motorcycle in which the mechanic was working. The mechanic stand up and begins:
– Doctor, look at this engine. I open its` heart take out the valves and repair them, put them back and closed again. When I finish it returns to work as if it were new.
If our work is virtually the same, why do I earn so little when compared with you?
The surgeon smiles and speaks in the ear of the mechanic:
– Try doing that with a running engine…
Theories about men:
1 – Men who are nice are also ugly.
2 – Men who are ugly are not nice.
3 – Men who are friendly and beautiful are gay.
4 – Men who are friendly, beautiful and heterosexuals are already married.
5 – Men who are not so beautiful but who are friendly, have no money.
6 – Men who are not so beautiful, but are friendly and have money think that women are only after their money.
7 – Beautiful men without money are after women´s money.
8 – Beautiful men who are heterosexual, however not very friendly, think that women are not beautiful enough for them.
9 – Men who think that women are beautiful, who are heterosexual, friendly and have some money, are cowards.
10 – Men who are nice, friendly, who have some money and are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER TAKE THE INITIATIVE.
11 – Men who never take the initiative, automatically lose interest in women when they take the initiative.
Thankfully in reality it´s much simpler 😀
A computer engineer was helping a colleague to set up the computer.
She asked him which password he wanted to use.
The man, thinking that it could be funny, said penis.
Without saying a word and without even laughing, she introduced the password.
After a moment she nearly died laughing when the computer gave the following answer:
— REJECTED PASSWORD: IT HAS NOT ENOUGH LENGTH…
After waking up even before the sunrise a golfer finds that it´s raining outside and the temperature is freezing. Without frightening decides to go to the golf course to play his weekly game but he return quickly when it starts to snow.
Returned to home get into the pyjama and back to bed.
Nestling up with the woman he justified:
— “That´s a terrible weather out there.”
The woman reply:
— “And still can you believe my stupid husband is playing golf right now?” 😀
After a shipwreck the following persons arrived to this beautiful but desert archipelago in the middle of nowhere:
— Two Italian men and an Italian woman;
— Two French men and one French woman;
— Two German men and a German woman;
— Two Greek men and one Greek woman;
— Two English men and one English woman;
— Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman;
— Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman;
— Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman;
— Two American men and one American woman;
— Two Irish men and one Irish woman;
— Two Portuguese men and a Portuguese woman.
After a month in these absolutely wonderful islands in the middle of
— An Italian man killed the other one because of the Italian woman;
— The two French men and the French woman lived happily together in a
— The two German men established a rigorous schedule of visits to alternate with the German woman;
— The two Greek men slept with each other and then clean and cook for the Greek woman;
— The two English men were waiting for someone to present them to the English woman;
— The two Bulgarian men looked extensively into the ocean, then looked
to the Bulgarian woman and started to swim;
— The two Japanese men sent a fax to Tokyo and awaited instructions;
— The two Chinese men opened a pharmacy / bar / restaurant / laundry, and then started making love with the Chinese woman to provide employees for the store;
— The two American men were considering the advantages of suicide because the American woman only complaint about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she is able to do what they do, the need for achievement, the division of household chores, about palm trees and the sand that made her seem fat, as her last boyfriend respected her opinion and deal better than them, as their relationship with their mother had improved and that at least taxes fell and there were no rain…
— The two Irish divided the island into North and South and opened a
distillery. They do not remember if sex was in the program after a few litres of coconut whisky. But were happy because, at least, the English were not having fun…
— With the two Portuguese men and the Portuguese woman, which also
were on the island, until now nothing has happened because the two Portuguese men constituted a committee charged with deciding which of the two men would be authorized to request in writing the establishment of intimate contacts with the woman. It turns out that the committee already goes in the 17th meeting and until now nothing is decided yet. It still misses to approve the minutes from the 5 latest meetings without which the process can not move forward. It is important to point out that, of all meetings, 3 were dedicated to electing the Chairman of the committee and his adviser, 4 were not relevant as it was reached the conclusion that had been violated some principles of administrative procedure, 8 were dedicated to discuss and draft of the regulation of the committee and 2 were dedicated to adopt the same regulation.
It is also noteworthy that many of the meetings could not be performed or
completed since they could not continued for lack of quorum. Five of the meetings coincided with holidays or with Mondays followed by holiday or Fridays preceded by holiday… 😀
“What´s your name?” Asked the teacher.
— “Mohammed.” Answered the kid.
— “We are in America, there is no Mohammeds here. From now on your name is Mark!” Replied the teacher.
In the afternoon Mohammed went to his home.
— “How was your day, Mohammed?” Questioned the mother.
— “My name is not Mohammed! From now on you can call me Mark because we are living in America.”
— “Oh, so you have shame of your name? You are declining your ancestors, do you know!?”
The mother slapped him in the head. Then she calls for the father and explain him the situation. The father becomes even angrier and Mohammed took another smack.
When he came to school in the next morning the teacher noticed the marks in his face and interrogate him: “What happened to you, Mark?”
— “Well, had not yet past two hours since I was an American and I was immediately attacked by two Arabs.”
In this school something very uncommon was happening every day.
A bunch of girls of 12 years old started to put lipstick on their lips and to remove the excess they used to kiss the mirror in the bathroom.
The director tried to explain to the girls how difficult it was to take the lipstick from that huge mirror. But on the next day the mirror was full of lipstick kisses again.
One day the director take the cleaning lady with him and joined the flock of girls to show them that it was very complicated to clean the mirror. To exemplify he asked the lady to show them how she used to clean the mirror.
The cleaning lady picked up a mop and soaked it in the toilet and then clean the mirror with it.
After that day the mirror stay clean and never again was found lipstick on it.
On the first day God created the cow. God said:
“You have to go to the field with the farmer all day long, suffer under the sun and give milk to support the farmer. Your life will occupy 60 years.”
The cow said:
“That is a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. Give me only 20 and I return you the other 40.”
And God agreed. On the second day God created the monkey. He said:
“Amuse people with monkey tricks and make them laugh a lot. I give you 20 years of life.”
The monkey said:
“What, doing monkey tricks for 20 years? I think not. Give me only 10 and I give up from the other 10.”
God agreed. On the third day God created the dog. He said:
“Sit down all day long near the door of your owner´s house and bark every time someone enter or passes close by. I will give you 20 years of life.”
The dog said:
“That is too long to be barking. The monkey gave up 10 years and that is what I will do too, okay?”
God agreed. On the fourth day God created man. God said:
“Eat, drink, sleep, play, make sex, have fun. Do not do anything else, just have fun. I will give you 20 years of life.”
The man said:
“What!? Only 20 years? No way! We will do the following: I will take the 40 years the cow returned and plus the 20 which the dog and the monkey gave up. This makes 80 years. Do you think this is possible?”
“Ok!” said God. “Its a deal.”
That is why during the first 20 years we eat, sleep, play, pursue sex, have fun and we do nothing.
Until we reach 40 years old we suffer the hard work to support our family.
The following 10 years we make monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren.
And during the last 10 years we sit in the balcony and bark to everyone.
That explain human life! 😀