- “My friend, you are in very good shape for 40 years.” Said the doctor.

- “I never said I have 40 years.”

- “How old are you then?” Asked the doctor.

- “I made 57 in last May!”

- “And how old is your father when he died?”

- “I never said my father died.”

- “Oh, sorry! How old is your father?”

- “81 years old!”

- “81? Nice! And how old was your grandfather when he died?”

- “I never said my grandfather died.”

- “Sorry. And how old he is?”

- “103 years old and he has very good health!”

- “I am happy to know. And your great-grandfather? What did he died of?”

- “I never said that he had died? He is 124 years old and he´s going to get married next week!”

- “Now that´s too much! Why would a 124 years old man wanted to marry?”

- “I never said he wanted to get marry! He didn´t want to but the girl got pregnant so…”

Thanks to creativereview.

At the brink of their club´s swimming pool four guys talk about their children.

- “I have five boys, a full team of basketball.” Prides itself the first one.

- “Because I have six, one would form a volleyball team.” Rebate the second.

- “Big thing: with the eleven that I have at home I could make a football team.” Exaggerate the third.

Then one of them asked the fourth man who still remained in his corner without saying nothing:

- “And you, how many children do you have?”

- “None. But I have eighteen women, an official golf course.”

Thanks to mentalblog.

I´m not even sure if it´s still funny anymore…

One day I woke up with a big hangover and on the side of the bed was a glass of water and two aspirins.

I looked around and saw my clothes hanged and already ironed. The room was in perfect order. There was a card from my wife:

“Honey, I let your coffee ready in the kitchen. I went to the supermarket. Kisses.”

Thanks to Gregor909.

Still feeling dizzy I went downstairs and found a full table with coffee and food waiting for me.

I asked my daughter:
- “What happened yesterday?”

- “Well Dad, you arrived at 3 in the morning, completely drunk, you throw up on your bedroom`s carpet, then you broke some furniture and you took a pee in a crystal bowl before arriving in your bed.”

- “Then why it´s everything so tidy, coffee on the table, aspirins for the hangover and a lovely card from your mother?”

- “Well, when mom dragged you to bed and while she was taking your pants, you cried out:

- PLEASE, DO NOT DO THIS LADY, I AM MARRIED!”

Drinking – $70,00
Furniture destroyed – $1.200,00
Breakfast – $10,00
Saying the right phrase in the right moment – PRICELESS!

Flying in a plane this Jehovah’s Witness was seated next to a Portuguese guy.

After a while the steward started to serve drinks to passengers.

The Portuguese asked for red wine. The flight attendant gave him the wine and asked the Jehovah’s Witness if he would also want something to drink.

The offended Jehovah’s Witness promptly replied:
- “I’d rather be abducted and savagely violated by a dozen whores from Babylon before a drop of alcohol touch my lips.”

The Portuguese return the glass of red wine to the attendant and said:
- “Me too. I did not know that I could choose that.”

Thanks to amayagab.

A priest, a lawyer and a boy scout were flying in a plane.

The plane started to fall and it was necessary to leave the plane. The pilot leaves the cockpit and says:
- We must jump but there are only three parachutes. One of you has to stay in the plane and I have to jump so I can tell what happened.

Having said that he handled a parachute and jump. The lawyer said:
- I have to go defend this man I just have to save him.

And takes another parachute and jump.

The priest turns to the boy scout.

- My son, you must save your self.

- Do not worry, the lawyer jumped with my backpack.

A 10 years old boy went to the theater to see a Disney film but entered in the wrong room where people were watching scenes of explicit sex.

The boy left the chamber as soon as he could running over everything and everyone until the exit.

Seeing the despair of this boy the movie doorman asked him:

- “What happened?”

- “My mother said that when we see things that should not be
seen we transform ourselves into stone!” Said the wheezing boy.

- “And did you transformed your self into stone?” Asked the doorman.

The boy responded with a frighten face and looking to his trousers:

- “I was already beginning the transformation…” :0

Thanks to raul5274.

Once upon a time there were three vampires… one Portuguese, one English and one French.

Photo by scol22.

The English vampire went into the bush and when he returned the other two asked him about the blood in his mouth.
- Did you see that cow? It was there.

Next went the French and he also came with blood in his mouth. He said:
- Did you see that goat? It was there.

Finally, it was time for the Portuguese vampire. He had blood all over his face and the others asked him:
- What happened?

…

…

…

…

- You see that wall? It was there!

Two men were walking in the street after a full day of work when a lawyer trampled the two full speed in his imported car.

One of them went through the windscreen and landed inside the car while the other flew very far with the impact.

Three months later when they left the hospital were put directly in jail.

The first was acused of property invasion and the other for having fled from the scene of the accident.

It is night and the couple is lying in bed. When the husband said:
- “Dear… If you really wish I could abuse you.”

She said:
- “Oh yes! I want you to… Abuse me, abuse!”

Then he replys:
- “Then go to the kitchen and fetch me a cold beer from the refrigerator.”

Photo by lpr2000.

A young and passionate couple dies in an accident on the eve of marriage.

At the Paradise they asked the Creator to get them married there. The Lord answered:
- “Wait 5 years and if you still want to marry you´ll have it.”

Five years passed and the couple continued with the firm intention to marry.
They repeated the request and God answered once again:
- “Unfortunately you will have to wait another five years.”

After five more years finally the expected response:
- “Okay, you can already marry.”
A few months later the couple now wanted to divorce. They go back to presence of the Lord who heard the request and angry he replied:
- “Look, it took ten years to find a priest here in Paradise. Now imagine the time that I will take to get a lawyer!”

The American ambassador was talking with an African diplomat who was praising the Russians:
- “They built a hydroelectric, an airport, a stadium, have taught us to take vodka and play Russian roulette.”
- “But… Russian roulette? It is a very dangerous game!”
- “Right. That is why we invent the African roulette… Want to play?”
- “I do not know… How do you play it?”

The African diplomat called for 8 beautiful naked black women. The African diplomat said:
- “Choose one so she can make you oral sex.”
- “But this is much better than Russian roulette!”
- “Yes it is but remember that one of them is cannibal.”

… a Good Lawyer and the Best Lawyer?

- The Good Lawyer knows the Law…

- The Best knows the Judge…

Recently a man noticed that there were people within his garage trying to steal his house.
He call the police but they said to him that there was nobody around to help him and that they would send someone as soon as possible. He hung up and a few minutes later he called again and said:
- “Hello, I called earlier because people were trying to assault my garage. It´s just to say that there´s no need to you to come quickly because I already killed them.”

After a short time there were half a dozen police cars in the area and an ambulance with paramedics. The thieves were caught still inside the garage.

One of the policemen said:
- “I thought you had said that you had killed them!?”

The man replied:
- “I thought you had said that there was nobody available.”

The real bravery is not shown in the battlefields or while facing fierce animals or other dangers that put your life at risk.

The real bravery is leaving home to drink with friends, not warn your wife about it, arriving home late at night falling drunk and full of lipstick on your face, be received by her with a broom in her hand and still have courage to ask her:

ARE YOU GOING TO SWEEP THE FLOOR OR ARE YOU GOING TO FLY???

Photo by wax115.

Student of law during an oral exam.
- “What is a fraud?”

- “Is what you’re doing teacher.” Answered the student.

The teacher very angry said:
- “What!? Explain yourself.”

Then the student said:
- “According to the Criminal Code – anyone who commits fraud is taking advantage of
ignorance to harm of another.”

A boss wondered why his most valued employee had not went to work that day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main clients he called the
employee’s phone number and was by a child’s whisper.

- “Hello?”
- “Is your daddy home?” He asked.
- “Yes.” Whispered the kid.
- “May I talk with him?”
The child whispered:
- “No.”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked:
- “Is your Mommy there?”
- “Yes.”
- “May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered:
- “No.”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked:
- “Is anybody else there?”
- “Yes.” Whispered the child:
- “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked:
- “May I speak with the policeman?”
- “No, he’s busy.” Whispered the child.
- “Busy doing what?”
- “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.” Came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked:
- “What is that noise?”
- “A helicopter.” Answered the whispering voice.
- “What is going on there?” Demanded the boss truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered:
- “The search team just landed a helicopter.”
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked:
- “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… – “ME.”

Photo by chidsey.